Bookish Ramblings: Why I would be rubbish in a zombie apocalypse

This is a post that I started writing ages ago, for some reason I completely forgot about it until I was looking at the blog dashboard and saw a load of draft posts – look what I found!  So for all those who want an insight into why you would want to distance yourself from me if the worst hit, here you go…..

1.  I’m a terrible prepper.  I am one of these people who goes to the cupboard and can find nothing worth eating.  Stuff that should have been eaten months ago mixed with stuff that has little to no nutritional value.  I don’t think there is a single canned good in my kitchen at the moment, I usually live off toast.

2. I’m unfit AF. I tried to take up running a few months ago, I lasted about 2 weeks.  I barely managed to lift my feet from the ground as I went and then I had stop for a walk after about 40 seconds.  If there’s some 28 days later style shiz going on, I’m going to be caught and eaten pretty much immediately. Hopefully they will choke on the bitterness of my regret, and on toast crumbs.

3. I have 0 fighting skills. I think I managed to get to a Green or Purple belt in Karate when I was 10 but that was nearly 30 years ago and I remember NOTHING.  I could probably managed a stabby action with a knife – but in line with number 1 on this list, my kitchen has very little in the way of sharp knives – you don’t need them to spread peanut butter onto toast.

4. I am really squeemish.  I’ve got better since having mini playground dwellers, but whilst I can now deal with the sight of a bloody nose and other random injuries, I can’t deal with the idea of killing and eating random rodents.  Skinning, beheading and gutting – just the thought makes me want to hurl, although if we’re down to eating rats I expect that a nice round of toast will be out of the question so I’ll need to get over it.

5. I’m not stealthy. If there is something to be tripped over, fallen into, knocked over that will make a loud noise – I will be the one to do it.  I am one of the most clumsy people I know and I am always covered in bruises even though I have no idea how I got them. I would be like a homing beacon to the zombie hoards. Remember that scene in Pulp Fiction with John Travolta where his toast pops and he then gets shot by Bruce Willis – yup, that would be my toast.

6. I have no transferable skills.  I do have skills, I’m not utterly useless despite what I have said above in self depreciating way, it’s just that those skills probably won’t serve me when the world goes to shiz. I can’t hunt or fish, build a fire, or even put up a tent (Mr Playground always does that) I can’t identify foods that are or are not safe to eat, I can’t fix a car or change a tyre.  I’m not exactly a calming influence either! (especially when I can’t have toast)

So there you go.  If I was in the Walking Dead I would have been out by episode 1.  I would not have made it to 28 weeks later (although Cillian Murphy might have motivated me to get a shift on.) One thing I am though is resourceful, I can usually make a meal out of whatever is left in the cupboard – i’m good at toast! I’m great in a garden and fairly good at sewing and making things. But ultimately, you wouldn’t want me on your team, unless you wanted someone to throw to the hoards to make good your own escape or just got fed up with me banging on about toast all the time.

How about you, how do you think you would fare in a zombie apocalypse???



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